Growing up my mom, dad, brother and mammaw were everything important in my life. I had friends in high school but hanging out with family was always priority. If my eldest child is reading this, she is rolling her eyes thinking she knows where I am going but hang in there, it’s not what you think.
One of the hardest parts of the mental aspect of growing up was adding members to our central family and realizing that my central family was changing. My brother married a beautiful young lady when I was about 20 and I loved her dearly. It was not an issue because now I had a sister. But, marrying my husband brought on a part of growing up i did not expect. My father-in-law would say it was the roses are red, marriage is perfect ideology but in reality it brought turmoil of my mom and dad not being the head of my household. They raised me to believe that my husband was to be the head of the household but not going to my dad proved to be difficult with certain issues. It really was not that my husband could not handle it or a trust issue, it was just habit.
Over the first 10 years of my marriage family morphed and changed in ways I never imagined would happen. My brother divorced, married, divorced again and made choices that left my old central family unit shattered. Meanwhile, my husband’s side of our family was going through things as well and that left a void that should have been filled with bonding.
My in-laws are very different from my mom and dad and, yet, so very much the same. The first 15 years of our marriage I did not see them very often and that left scars that as I would learn later were very deep. But, after 15 years of being an Army wife we settled down in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. If you would have told me in 2001 I would willingly agree to this not only would I have laughed but I might have fought you over the ridiculous notion. I now had opportunity to bond with this family that had been so elusive. Graduating nursing school and moving to Washington brought all kinds of possibilities but what I found was discontent and rage. As 2014 ended and 2015 began I found the void of my in-laws filled with scar tissue that required 5 years to remove. What I did not understand is why I actually hated them so much. I know it sounds so harsh but maybe if you read with an open mind you will come to understand just as I did.
Over 10 years I felt my family from childhood was torn a part. The next 5 years I spent avoiding that pain whenever possible. I clung to the realization that the down fall started with me leaving Alabama with my new husband. I will never forget a conversation I had with my brother in front of the county jail, where he was working at the time, and he told me “our family would never be the same” if I left….and it wasn’t. Babies were born, changes in jobs for my dad, changes in assignments for my husband and divorces. But, it was all my fault because I left. Yes, this part is about 2015 to now and about my in-laws but jealousy is a nasty monster. Why? Why did my side of the family have to hurt so bad. Why do they not have to get their heart broke? Why does his mom get to have all her children and grandchildren together and not my mom? My mom deserves this as much if not more, she’s my mom and therefore the BEST mom ever. My dad deserves to ride his grand babies on the tractor, play with them in the pool and all the cool papa things. And them not having it was my fault. Bless their heart, my in-laws were/are far from perfect but they are good people. However, their absence in our life left a void in my heart. A space I had secretly left open for my future in-laws. And each of the passing years left a layer of scar tissue that turned into any reason to despise them. New Years Eve 2018 was monumental moment for me as I decided to have an entire year to put myself first, make myself “BETTER”. This meant I had to separate myself from them and heal old wounds. It was meant for getting healthier and happier but what I found was so much more powerful. Recognition of my guilt. Recognition that me marrying my love and moving with him to support his Army career was not the reason bad things happened to my mom, dad and brother.
Today, I have a mom and dad that I love more than ever and are the best parents EVER! My brother has a beautiful soul and I hope one day we can give my mom and dad the blessing of both of their children and all their grandchildren under one roof laughing, talking and celebrating. Because they deserve it. Mammaw will be at every family dinner I am because she will live forever in my heart.
Today, I have some pretty awesome in-laws that are willing to move forward in this life instead of looking back. Camping trips and holiday dinners will be plentiful as far as I am concerned. 2020 has been a rough year but is proving to be the makings of an astounding 2021.
#Family #love #forgive #grow #respect #evolve #accept #bond
Misty Better Everyday 